Album Review: Brokencyde – BC13

7 Jan

This review will be in the Horrible Music Hour style of reviewing meaning we get one listen and our random thoughts are the review

Bree Bree
John: Just no, no Brokencyde we don’t want to hear you all trying to be monkeys, no you hear me no. Why doesn’t she shake her ass? Because she’s too busy throwing her drink in your face and kicking you in the balls, or are you too drunk and high to notice?
Ax: brokeNCYDE introduce themselves with a sample of chimpanzees fighting. There is a chance this might actually be the band members themselves. Whiniest and most emo chimpanzees I have ever heard.

(I apologise to all members of the chimpanzee community for this unflattering comparison. It’s nothing personal. I know brokeNCYDE are one or two million steps below you in the evolutionary chain.)

2drunk 2drive
John: An instructional song for giving oral? Actually I think this song is needed because any girl willing to be with the membersof Brokencyde will obviously be too stupid to know how to do a blow job
Axver: The description of oral sex indicates they quite possibly have never been with an actual girl. The members of brokeNCYDE sound truly agonised trying to imagine and describe what oral sex would be like. Fooling around with blow-up dolls really can’t give you an accurate impression, guys.

No Game
John: Yes, none of you have game, did we need a song for you to tell us that
Axver: brokeNCYDE sound even more whiny than on the previous two tracks. This is the least convincing bragging and boasting in the history of music. I mean, come on, in the intro there is the sound of one of them snorting like a crunk pig. Truly, brokeNCYDE are on an unintentional mission to prove they are inferior to all other forms of life – besides the skunk behind Dot Dot Curve.

Blame Tom
John: Why did Tom still your girlfriend? By girlfriend I mean girl you met that threw her drink in your face and kicked you in the balls? and yes you guys are emo, don’t you remember your first album?
Ax: brokeNCYDE state even they have standards – they need viagra to get with girls they find ugly. Blame Tom is an interesting twist on the emo tones of the band’s first album, The Broken!, where instead of wanting to die because of how much life sucks, they want to commit suicide because they are with an ugly girl. In other words, brokeNCYDE have somehow got even more shallow from their first album to their second.

True Love
John: You know it’s fitting, that the female voice in this song sounds like it comes from a sex toy because you know what, for Brokencyde every girls voice they hear probably comes from one
Ax: The start sounds like what would happen if Muse lost all their talent and got crunk (or just if Matt Bellamy became braindamaged from seriously entertaining one too many conspiracy theories). This confused song is about cheating and sex, though what brokeNCYDE actually think about anything other than arses shaking is lost beneath a mess of disgruntled wolves vomiting. brokeNCYDE cannot coherently communicate whatever godawful thoughts pass through their minds, and we are all better off for this.

Band Tee
John: Well the song has been going downhill ever since the static stopped, actually we should just replace this album with all static, then call it ambient and it’d be better. This song seriously makes me feel sick…worst BC song ever, skipped
Ax: Now the disgruntled wolf vomit is augmented by some intolerable high pitched whistling noise. This is undeniably one of the least listenable tracks brokeNCYDE has ever inflicted on the planet.

Kandyland
John: So we’ve got music of a bad ballad from some Japanese anime. Don’t save you Brokencyde? Can I just kill you then? The world would be happier so so much happier
Ax: The start is truly disturbing. I think brokeNCYDE are going for a slower ballad here? Except no caveman has ever made a listenable ballad, and no autotune can save them. Though evidently they don’t want it to: “I’m in candyland/Don’t save me!” Well, OK, that’s cool, since I wasn’t planning on saving you guys, and nor will natural selection. Look for brokeNCYDE becoming recipients of a Darwin Award in the next few years; the odds are good!

Sex Toyz
John: I refuse to listen to this again, it’s bad, painful, and funny but I can’t handle it right now
Ax: brokeNCYDE’s first album had early versions of songs from I’m Not a Fan but the Kids Like It. Seems like this album does too. Heaven forbid the band come up with new material! So how does this original version of Sex Toyz fare? Last time around, I quoted a lyric and asserted that it’s all there is to say. This holds true again: “You make my pee pee hard.”

Final Thoughts
John: I’m sick, physically sick, 0.0 out of a billion, not one worthy thing here
Ax: In short, this album consists of the same phrases repeated incessantly, occasionally in a different order. If you have the intellect of an amoeba, think even Insane Clown Posse are beyond the grasp of your feeble mind, and appreciate the vocal stylings of chimpanzees mating/fighting/partaking in masochistic sex, then this album is likely for you. Astonishingly, this is actually the best – or least worst – brokeNCYDE album, since it provides more opportunities for higher lifeforms to point and laugh than the mopey and emo debut does, without subjecting you to as many tracks as I’m Not A Fan does. If you wish to endure the horrors of brokeNCYDE, BC13 is undeniably the place to start getting 2drunk 2drive. Bree bree! 0.0

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6 Responses to “Album Review: Brokencyde – BC13”

  1. Kirsten Ketchum 22/01/2010 at 14:51 #

    OH! HELL! NO! FUCK THAT SHIT! BrokeNCYDE also states brokeNCYDE WILL NEVER DIE! so, as a brokeNCYDE fan, i support the songs 100 AND 10 % so, fuck off 🙂

    • John 25/01/2010 at 09:18 #

      Brokencyde will die when I see fit to declare them dead, that’ll be as soon as they stop being incredibly funny…even though their first album is a trainwreck in a very unfunny way damn emos

  2. beaux bridge 15/02/2010 at 16:11 #

    Omorashi in which individuals try with a full bladder before ultimately wetting themselves (also known as

  3. Scottie 04/05/2010 at 15:06 #

    BrokenCYDE is the shit, but its a personal choice to listen to them, showing you bought or even pirated a copy of there album shows some kind of respect cause there getting your attention. You dont have to like them, think they care? There potheads, the dont give a fuck about shit. They wont be going anywhere, you dont like them dont listen to them. You dont have to slander them. Emo or not. They make a whole lot more than you. They party a lot harder than you. Quit being a bitch and respect the respected.

  4. Brittany 04/09/2010 at 19:33 #

    BrokeNCYDE is an amazing group……if u dnt like them then you dont hav 2 f***’n listen to them. They will never die…..bc they r the shizzit 🙂 hehe……every album rocks they have out and they are played at all of our parties and clubs here 🙂

  5. Cassie 08/12/2011 at 03:24 #

    Fuck you. No one cares what you think. BC13 will NEVER DIE. Are you famous and making music? No. So gtfo and stfu. They’re not “Emo”. That isn’t even a real term. No one is emo. Stop stereotyping. It’s not cool. And threatening to kill people is illegal. BC13 forever.

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